losing ground, halfway home

some days you feel like you're finally figuring it out... some nights you realize that you miss home, but not in a way that will keep you from sleeping well... and then, just as suddenly as you have that "ah-ha" moment when you decide it's okay that you're so far away, you change your mind and decide it isn't again.
if there is anything that i can take away from this experience, it is the roller-coaster reality of living abroad. there's the excitement, the wonder, the new experiences and mistakes and triumphs around every corner; and (for balance), there's the melancholy, the aches, the tearful phone calls, the letters full of longing.

recently i have found myself riding a fresh wave of homesickness. i'm not quite sure where it came from... but i have an inkling that it comes down to some momentous anniversaries passing at great distance, and the fact that i've made it halfway through this experience (which makes the end feel closer, and at the same time farther than ever before), accompanied by that oh-so tantalizing reality of reunions with people that i love so dearly being almost within reach. i'm looking forward to those tastes of home with a kind of desparation now, instead of a happier (and perhaps healthier) excitement or anticipation.

i've been finding myself clinging to moments that remind me of home: like lingering extra long in coffee shops, or ducking into random art galleries, or writing poetry (or blog posts...) instead of my essays. i think perhaps the novelty of being here is wearing off, and i'm becoming more acutely aware of little things i miss; the things that aren't immediately obvious, but that slowly eat away at you.
like the fact that i don't share a history with any of the people here, or at least not one that is any longer than the two months than we could possibly have known each other. i deeply value the friends and connections i have made here, don't get me wrong on that. but. there is a difference between such new acquaintances and a friend who has grown alongside you--someone who has shared your pain and your joys, who has shed tears and laughed with you, who knows your secrets, your fears, your pet-peeves, and what makes you happy. there is a familiarity and comfort in those relationships that is built on trust, and trust takes time to build.
time is something of which i have too little, and at the same time, too much.


i don't really have anything more cheerful that i can say to temper this post. no pretty pictures to accompany my frustrations or longing this time. no tongue-in-cheek remarks about england. just an honest statement; yet another attempt to convey the nature of the life i am living here.

i would like again to say another huge "thank you" to all of you for reading, for understanding, and for being there for me through all of this. as difficult (and as amazing) as this experience is some days, i know you're there in spite of the miles between us. and i appreciate it more than i can ever say.

b