it's fall in england...

some thoughts from lately...

fall is a time for renewal--for rebirth and realignment. the trees bid the world a colorful farewell, before settling down to wait for the warmth of spring to once again move their ancient blood into the furthest reach of their limbs.
life retreats back into itself.
the small creatures work hard to ensure their survival over the months ahead, gathering food and warm bits of bedding around them. the bigger creatures return to safe places, where in previous years they have found the shelter they needed from winter's coming onslaught. the ground is carpeted with leaves that gradually fade; their vibrant colors shifting to browns, and then to nothing as the drip of rain and pressure of passing lives reduces them to fodder for the tiniest of the tiny.

fall is a time for slowing down, for returning to the earth and being reminded of our fragility. every time the wind snatches away our breath, or the rain stings our face, it is reminding us to be humble. our lives, however grand they may seem under the broad sunny skies of summer, must return now to the ground. we put away our yellows and pinks, and bring out our greens and blues and browns again. we clothe ourselves in the rich tones of the season, and in doing so recognize our place. we come from the earth--its depths, its mysteries--and belong to it; fall reminds us of this. just as the other creatures return to their nests, to the comforts and safety of home, so must we.

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i always love fall. it's my favourite time of year for a lot of reasons. as a kid it always signaled the dreaded return to school (which i was always excited about), the return of the rain (which i still love), and the end of the endless summer days (which start to feel too long anyway). fall is a time for the heart to come home, i think; for it to settle down and shake off the dust accumulated from the chaos that can overwhelm summers. it's a time for returning to routine, for finding home again. for rediscovering the simple joys of crisp mornings, damp afternoons, and chilly nights spent warm indoors.

it is really strange to be so far away at a time that reminds me so much of home. most days as i head out on my 20 minute walk over the hill to class, i am able to lose myself in the glories of cold air and shocking color. nothing will make you forget your woes like nature's last show of the season... other days though, i am overwhelmed by an aching nostalgia for fall at home. i find myself longing for the smell of fresh-baked cookies, and the familiar ring of my friends' laughter. i miss the welcoming sight of peace flags flying over doorways, or of familiar faces and arms welcoming me indoors, out of the cold and rain and into the warmth of a loving embrace.

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for the past few years, falls have been learning times for me. not of the academic variety, although that coincides. instead, fall has been for learning about the heart. falls have repeatedly been when my world has been turned on its head, and i have been left trying to piece things back together again. that sounds like a bad thing, but it really isn't. without those moments where everything you thought you knew comes crashing down, it is easy to become complacent.

this year, fall has been teaching me yet again:
--it is reminding me that i need to be able to find joy in my day to day. when i lose track of the simple pleasures of the wind on my face, or the rhythm of my steps when i go for a run, or of reading the last page a book, or drinking a cup of coffee with a friend, i lose track of where i am. i get caught up in the goings-on thousands of miles away, and i waste the time i have been given here.
--it is teaching me that it is okay to be melancholy. it's okay that i miss home and people, and that i think about it/them often. some nights, i just crawl into bed early because i feel so lonely that i can't make the effort to distract myself an longer. sometimes i think you need to just settle in with that sadness--let it take hold, and take you along for the ride.
--it is teaching me that love is not deterred by distance, or damaged, but instead strengthened. and that is a wondrous thing.
--and, once again, fall is teaching me about the meaning of home.

i don't know what to call home anymore. the other day i made a list of all the things i think home is and isn't, in my journal. it was pages long, and included things like "home is something you can lose, but you can also find it again," and "you can carry home with you just as easily (or not) that you can leave it behind."

my favourite thing i wrote down was "home is a condition of the heart, fueled and elaborated by the mind, cemented by the body."

i feel like i may have struck some truth, at least for myself, in that last one. missing home for me is a persistent thing because one of those three elements is missing. my heart certainly knows its home... it wouldn't ache so much right now if it didn't. my mind knows home, because i know what it is that i miss about it. but my body is not in contact with home; instead it is 5000 miles away from it.
i'm not sure that i can feel truly at home without the physical experience of being at home. without the sounds and smells and touches that make home real to me, i really feel that distance. when ansley was here recently, it was the first time i had that settled feeling that comes from being at home, since i've been here. hearing her voice, sharing her hugs and her laughter brought home back to me. it erased those 5000 miles, and for just a few days, i forgot that i was missing something. because i wasn't.

but, the day-to-day truth is that i am thousands of miles, and eight hours away, from that physical experience of home. and so the melancholy persists.


fall is bittersweet this year.

b