overwhelmed

it's almost noon on a sunday, and i am still nursing the cold coffee that is left over from breakfast this morning. simon and garfunkel are singing in the background "every day is an endless stream of cigarettes and old magazines..." i have approximately eighty nine pages of reading to complete before class tomorrow. i have a stack of academic articles more than one inch thick that i need to read for thesis. i have a list of almost a dozen farms that i need to contact to begin my thesis research. there's laundry waiting to be moved, groceries to buy, and a kitchen that needs to be cleaned; letters that are long overdue to friends near and far.

these days it is hard not to feel overwhelmed by everything in my life. i handle it all pretty well on a day-by-day basis, making small decisions, trying not to think ahead more than a few hours, and rejoicing when i crawl into bed each night still all in one piece. i linger over meals and coffee and conversations, because those moments help keep me grounded in the midst of a constant onward flow--one that propels me forward endlessly and without regard to my opinion. some days (most days, really) it excites me, to think of all the changes and possibilities that are so rapidly approaching. i enjoy the sensation of being propelled along like a leaf that landed in a stream swollen by fall rains... the helplessness is empowering, in an odd sort of way. maybe it is the notion of surrender that i like most.

but not this morning. i know that i just need to get started. i know that once i do, i will feel one hundred times better. but, over the last grainy sips of this mug, i feel overwhelmed. perhaps i will make one more cup and move that laundry before i settle down to the task at hand. two steps at a time gets you there faster than just one... you can't pause for too long in between, but you don't end up running either.

b