a sigh of relief

this holiday season has been an interesting one for me. interesting being code for uncertain, quiet, and slightly disappointing. for one, i never really felt like i got into the holiday spirit. and for me, this is odd. usually i am itching to listen to holiday music, hang twinkle lights, and bake grandma's sugar cookies, but this year those desires were distinctly lacking. for another, the whole idea of christmas felt strange somehow. i will blame this partly on working a retail job and long hours, and partly on the fact that i'm not a kid anymore. what was i celebrating again? the merry season of buying-tons-of-things? a religious/quasi-consumer holiday that i don't particularly believe in? wow, i sound cynical. that makes me so sad.

i was chatting with one of my coworkers at the bookstore who is in her early forties, has four kids, and had a different, fun christmas activity planned every night leading up to christmas week. i asked her if christmas stops feeling this way (sort-of anticlimactic) when you have kids. and her answer was, "oh, ya." she remembered these years--the time when you aren't a kid anymore, and your christmas isn't orchestrated for you, and you are kind of at a loss as to what to do--and when you become a parent, and suddenly it's your job to make christmas magical for someone else. i found that wonderfully reassuring. i was thinking it was just me, but i think it might be just the way christmas will be for now.

that disappointment expressed, i have had a very nice christmas at home, with family and presents and good food just the way it has been every other year. it is also nice knowing that when i go back to work tomorrow, there won't be customers getting angry at me for not being able to get them something in time for christmas, or incredulous that i don't remember their specific order when i did fifty of them a day for two weeks in a row. i'm glad that things will be mostly back to normal.

so here's to christmas, and it's new form. and here's hoping that each of you found time to relax, recharge, and celebrate the season.


b