anxiety

i am well acquainted with stress. i don't know how, after (almost) four years of college, i could have avoided that. stress is a strange sensation. i feel it bodily--not just in the blocked up sensation in my brain, but also in how my limbs become restless and my breathing rate rises, and how i start to sweat. the thing about stress though, is that i know how to handle it. i've become quite adept at ignoring it. passing it over. hiding it behind other things. it lets me do that: it's sufficiently dull to shove under a to-do list somewhere, and know that it won't show its face again for a while. lately though, i've been experiencing a new feeling. something different than stress; something that i don't quite know how to handle. and i have decided that it is anxiety.

for me, anxiety is a horrible sensation. just like stress, i feel it physically, and it is much harder for me to ignore. it's a kind of pressure, like some enormous invisible hand was holding me tight, and then squeezing. it feels like drowning: it's hard to catch my breath, and i'm afraid to because when i exhale, the tears threaten to tumble out.

last week, i found myself clinging to the edge of the kitchen sink, fighting back tears that i had no real explanation for. sure, it was a horrifically busy day. sure, i had to drive to portland for a thesis interview immediately after attending five hours of class in a row. sure, i had a long list of reading assignments and a detailed outline of dates and times scheduling out how it was i would manage to eek out a thesis draft in a little over a week. but i've done this before. it wasn't like it was new, or that i had double booked myself, or hadn't yet found a car to get to that interview. it was going to be okay. but even though i knew that was true, it was all just too much.

i don't really know how to deal with this new feeling of anxiety. i can't hide from it, and when i try it just gets worse. but i also don't know where to begin. do i stop sleeping so i have time to finish everything i'm supposed to get done in a day? do i stop hanging out with friends in the evening so that i can complete job applications? do i eat whatever happens to be in the fridge instead of taking the time to slow down and make a meal that will actually feed me? none of these options are viable. at least not for me.
there are certain things that i refuse to sacrifice. sanity, for one. sleep, for another. time, for a third. without these things, nothing i do will make any sense, and i will have missed too many opportunities. that would only add guilt to the list. that's the last thing i need. after spring break and this draft, maybe i can figure out a few ways to take back control--something i was doing so well only a couple of months ago.

b