this morning i moved my boxes of stuff out of our storage room here at home, in preparation for my move back to linfield. i found myself hefting boxes and wondering to myself "what on earth is in this thing??" the weight of those boxes surprised me... it is the weight of a life that i haven't been living for a very long time now. it's so strange to feel like a stranger looking at my own things again, and yet i'm finding the weight of that realization to be a good thing.
coming home was like slipping back into a pair of well-worn shoes for me. it was comfortable; molded to my shape. coming home was what it was supposed to be--namely, a homecoming. for the first time in months i feel completely at ease in my own skin. i have fallen back into my normal routines of early bedtimes and wakings, i eat yogurt for breakfast and dress in scratchy wool sweaters inherited from friends. i drink tea and read books and listen to my quiet music, and turn off the t.v. every time i get the chance. i talk to my mom about the garden and animals and both our growing passion for sustainable agriculture. i read pages of wendell berry, and finding my thoughts written in his words, i am filled with joy. i know without a doubt that i came home at the right time. things were falling apart in the place where i was; i had been gone for long enough, and it was time to come home again.
there is a weight that followed me here though, and it is the weight of the realizations i have had since being gone. the past five months have been months full of soul-searching and struggle for me, and it is only now, in the quiet of my wood-heated living room that i am finally confronting them in all of their heaviness. the weight is good. it is the result of an understanding i have come to with this place that i come from, and to which i have longed to return. it is the heaviness of the new knowledge that is in me, after all of my recent experiences. it is the realization that i am growing up, and all that that entails (i hear of people i knew in elementary school who are getting married, or who are pregnant, and i think to myself "aren't we too young for this?"). it is the weight of hopes and fears for the future, and my combined timidness and excitement in facing them. it is the anticipation of returning to this life, and the load of musings that accompany such a reunion.
so once again i find myself a stranger to myself... i am so changed from the person who left this country in september. and yet, miraculously, i know myself better for it. the estrangement is a realization of who i am becoming, and that is something special. i feel more confident in myself, more settled in my convictions, more comfortable with the uncertainty of my life. it's like i'm growing into myself. and maybe growing up a little bit too.
and so, this morning i will pack up my things for the hundredth time in what feels like only so many days, and walk forward into my future. on my shoulders is the weight of this new understanding. in my mind and heart there is a clarity. it's time to return to this other life, and make it my own again.
coming home was like slipping back into a pair of well-worn shoes for me. it was comfortable; molded to my shape. coming home was what it was supposed to be--namely, a homecoming. for the first time in months i feel completely at ease in my own skin. i have fallen back into my normal routines of early bedtimes and wakings, i eat yogurt for breakfast and dress in scratchy wool sweaters inherited from friends. i drink tea and read books and listen to my quiet music, and turn off the t.v. every time i get the chance. i talk to my mom about the garden and animals and both our growing passion for sustainable agriculture. i read pages of wendell berry, and finding my thoughts written in his words, i am filled with joy. i know without a doubt that i came home at the right time. things were falling apart in the place where i was; i had been gone for long enough, and it was time to come home again.
there is a weight that followed me here though, and it is the weight of the realizations i have had since being gone. the past five months have been months full of soul-searching and struggle for me, and it is only now, in the quiet of my wood-heated living room that i am finally confronting them in all of their heaviness. the weight is good. it is the result of an understanding i have come to with this place that i come from, and to which i have longed to return. it is the heaviness of the new knowledge that is in me, after all of my recent experiences. it is the realization that i am growing up, and all that that entails (i hear of people i knew in elementary school who are getting married, or who are pregnant, and i think to myself "aren't we too young for this?"). it is the weight of hopes and fears for the future, and my combined timidness and excitement in facing them. it is the anticipation of returning to this life, and the load of musings that accompany such a reunion.
so once again i find myself a stranger to myself... i am so changed from the person who left this country in september. and yet, miraculously, i know myself better for it. the estrangement is a realization of who i am becoming, and that is something special. i feel more confident in myself, more settled in my convictions, more comfortable with the uncertainty of my life. it's like i'm growing into myself. and maybe growing up a little bit too.
and so, this morning i will pack up my things for the hundredth time in what feels like only so many days, and walk forward into my future. on my shoulders is the weight of this new understanding. in my mind and heart there is a clarity. it's time to return to this other life, and make it my own again.
b
3 comments:
Oh, Beth, you sound so healthy and comfortable at home. I'm so happy for you.
Love,
Sam
beth, this post has really inspired me. i want to focus on things i love and leave things that i do not. i want to live without guilt and regret. i want to clean my room! (literally and metaphorically :) thank you for your clarity of writing.
-joy
Hello, Beth!
I just wanted to let you know that you are my muse right now. I am writing another mass-email, and you are in it! I don't want to copy everything I just said there into here, so go read the email, but I just wanted to say thank you, for just being you, and for sharing that wonderful you-ness with us.
Hugs!
Jen
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