reflections on the start of the holiday season

i think that there is a real reason to cling to and fight for the oftentimes lost traditions of the holiday season. today, where christmas begins in october (or even earlier), thanksgiving is forgotten in the shadow of "black friday" (and is reduced to an excuse for gluttony), and much of december will be lost to the commercial world as we rush hither and tither in search of "gifts," the spirit of the season is too often drowned out. there is a lot of chatter about charity and thankfulness, and lots of mass-produced cards will be sent across great distances with wishes of "peace on earth" or "joy" printed on the front. but, to my mind, those things too often ring false. there is a difference between a sentiment printed on paper a thousand times over and one that is written just once on your heart.

we need to learn (or remember) at this time of year that the value the season is not to be found in shopping malls or anything else so artificial and mass produced. instead, it is to be found in the faces of friends, the warmth of a hearth, the laughter of family, and the smells of multi-generational recipies once again working their magic in the kitchen. this time of year is a time for family, no matter how scattered, to return home and share a few special days together. it's a reason to pause and reflect; to use history and religion as lenses through which to see our own small lives in a greater perspective. it's a time for celebrating the simple joys of good food and good company. and more than anything else, it is a time to be reminded of everything we have to be grateful for.
______________________________________________

it is exceedingly strange to be entering the holiday season so many miles away from home. yesterday was thanksgiving, but here was just another day. it would have been very easy for me to let it pass without the normal amount of reflection that comes from the ritual of celebration at home, and it nearly did. but then, i came back to my room after a long and enjoyable day, and back to the realization of all that i was missing out on by not being at home right now. then, instead of being struck down by melancholy (though there were a few pangs) i thought of the reason why i am not home this year, and was struck by how amazing my life is sometimes. this is truly one of those times. here's a short list that i jotted down last night of things that i have to be grateful for. many of them are things that i have only discovered since being here, others have been confirmed through my experience of distance, and others are simply true.

i am thankful for, in no particular order:

1. hats that keep the rain off of my glasses
2. long letters, and short ones too
3. home cooking
4. my healthy body
5. friends who love me and support me across thousands of miles
6. having a place to call my own, even if i'm not there right now
7. my brother's ridiculous sense of humor
8. my dad's quiet fortitude
9. the opportunity to be here in england, and soon traveling in europe as well
10. trains
11. frisbees
12. skype
13. good music
14. chocolate
15. uncontrollable laughter
16. erik
17. my mom's wisdom
18. air mail
19. that my sister is getting the chance to put herself out in the world, all on her own
20. my extended family that continues to encourage and inspire me
21. this good earth, and all the gifts that it provides for us
22. stunning vistas
23. cold wind
24. loneliness and tears
25. new friends
26. my unconventional childhood
27. books
28. caffe nero and its amazing coffee
29. poetry (read, written, shared)
30. my journal and my writing notebook
31. tights worn under jeans
32. people's capacity for beauty and kindness
33. scarves and peacoats
34. having a home to return to when this period of my life comes to a close, as it is rapidly doing


i hope that you all find yourselves overwhelmed with gratitude for your own lives and all that they encompass, here at the opening of this special season. may that sentiment carry through the rest of the holiday season, and not be lost in the cacophony of commercialism. and enjoy especially being at home for the holidays this year, because some of us won't be.

b

my first real failure here

a couple of weeks ago, i excitedly set out on my first real weekend of travel in a while. i was itching to get off of campus, and, to be honest, to run away from the little annoyances that come from living in this place. i was looking forward to a night not characterized by drunken yelling waking me up at 2 am, or fire alarms doing the same at 3 and then 4 and then 5 am (which is a distressingly common occurence). i needed a change of scenery, a more legitimate reason to put off homework other than the fact that i just didn't want to do it... and cardiff was beckoning.
what i didn't expect from this trip was that getting away from those little annoying distractions here would open me up to all of the loneliness that they had been obscuring. i enjoyed the three hour train ride, arrived in cardiff, settled into a sparkling 5-star-worthy hostel, and promptly fell apart inside.

i think that sometimes you don't realize how unhappy you are until your environment changes sufficiently to trip that switch inside you. and then it all surfaces like some huge, ugly whale that just can't hold it's breath any longer. that whale came absolutely crashing up out of the depths, and did a big old belly flop on my weekend in cardiff.

this was the first time, in all the time i've been here, that i've truly failed to be here. sure, there have been lots of times i've wished i was somewhere else... but this was the first time that i honestly was not present to what i was experiencing. i wasn't able to enjoy my usual wandering, i didn't feel the excitement of new discoveries; i just didn't want to be there, and so i wasn't. i was 5000 miles away, and hating the fact that i couldn't be at home. i missed everyone, especially erik, missed my special places, really missed being able to talk out what i was feeling with someone... pretty much i was one big ball of emotional turmoil and disatisfaction.
what's worse, is that i took my unhappiness out on the people and things around me. i got irritated with my travel buddy, and treated her with an unfair lack of patience and regard. i was blind to the beauties of cardiff, because they weren't what i wanted: i wanted home, and in wanting it, totally missed out on what the weekend had to offer. i recognized what i was doing too, and i was frustrated with myself for feeling that way, but was unable to dig myself out of the mountain of yuck that had fallen on my head, so i gave up. i surrendered the weekend to self-pity, and left it at that. it wasn't going to be salvaged, and i figured i may as well get it out of my system. wallowing ensued. i really failed this time around.

looking back on that weekend, with the benefit of hindsight, i had a lot of legitimate reasons to crash that way. i think i did the healthy thing, in just letting myself feel like crap. trying to fight it would have made it seem less legitimate (and doubting yourself in that way is absolutely the worst thing in the world), would have left me exhausted, and would have prevented me from processing what was going on inside. my only regret is that i feel like i cheated cardiff, not even giving it a chance to reveal itself to me, and that i treated katie poorly for it. sometimes the timing is less than ideal, i suppose, but i've learned that it is impossible to control such things. and even less so here.
so, it was a less than stellar weekend. it's honestly kind-of a grey blur in my memory. but, i once again was presented with a new challenge, and dealt with it as best as i could. i'm learning if nothing else.

b

ps> below are a few pictures from cardiff. i did manage to document a bit of it, even if my mood is pretty clearly reflected in the color palette...

castell caerdydd (cardiff castle)

inside the castle keep

lonely walk

cardiff bay

cardiff bay waterfront walk, looking toward the norwegian church

cardiff bay people watching

losing ground, halfway home

some days you feel like you're finally figuring it out... some nights you realize that you miss home, but not in a way that will keep you from sleeping well... and then, just as suddenly as you have that "ah-ha" moment when you decide it's okay that you're so far away, you change your mind and decide it isn't again.
if there is anything that i can take away from this experience, it is the roller-coaster reality of living abroad. there's the excitement, the wonder, the new experiences and mistakes and triumphs around every corner; and (for balance), there's the melancholy, the aches, the tearful phone calls, the letters full of longing.

recently i have found myself riding a fresh wave of homesickness. i'm not quite sure where it came from... but i have an inkling that it comes down to some momentous anniversaries passing at great distance, and the fact that i've made it halfway through this experience (which makes the end feel closer, and at the same time farther than ever before), accompanied by that oh-so tantalizing reality of reunions with people that i love so dearly being almost within reach. i'm looking forward to those tastes of home with a kind of desparation now, instead of a happier (and perhaps healthier) excitement or anticipation.

i've been finding myself clinging to moments that remind me of home: like lingering extra long in coffee shops, or ducking into random art galleries, or writing poetry (or blog posts...) instead of my essays. i think perhaps the novelty of being here is wearing off, and i'm becoming more acutely aware of little things i miss; the things that aren't immediately obvious, but that slowly eat away at you.
like the fact that i don't share a history with any of the people here, or at least not one that is any longer than the two months than we could possibly have known each other. i deeply value the friends and connections i have made here, don't get me wrong on that. but. there is a difference between such new acquaintances and a friend who has grown alongside you--someone who has shared your pain and your joys, who has shed tears and laughed with you, who knows your secrets, your fears, your pet-peeves, and what makes you happy. there is a familiarity and comfort in those relationships that is built on trust, and trust takes time to build.
time is something of which i have too little, and at the same time, too much.


i don't really have anything more cheerful that i can say to temper this post. no pretty pictures to accompany my frustrations or longing this time. no tongue-in-cheek remarks about england. just an honest statement; yet another attempt to convey the nature of the life i am living here.

i would like again to say another huge "thank you" to all of you for reading, for understanding, and for being there for me through all of this. as difficult (and as amazing) as this experience is some days, i know you're there in spite of the miles between us. and i appreciate it more than i can ever say.

b

a random fling

first team (minus jen) watching the action at UWIR (l to r): caroline, rosie, me, freesia, sophie, rachel and anna.

absolutely one of the best decisions i have made since arriving in nottingham was my choice to join the ultimate frisbee team. "random fling," as it is known, has been nothing but fun since the first taster session way back in fresher's week. it's just a great group of friendly people who get together and play frisbee... and they take their frisbee seriously here. we actually warm up before every practice, there are detailed emails sent out each week outlining the tactics that will be covered in the coming week's practices, where we do drills, play games, and hear both advice and criticism on our play. i have grown a ton as a player since i arrived here, and i've had a great time getting to know everyone on the team as well!

this past weekend i played in the university women's indoor regional tournament in liverpool with fling's first team, and was lucky enough to both watch and participate in some really great sport.

coming off the mark (l to r): rosie, me, caroline, anna and rachel.

that is beth throwing a forehand. it happens occasionally...

caroline and i watching some play in between games.

the random "flingettes" entered the tournament as the top seed, due to last year's women's team coming in 4th at nationals. the first day of pool games was fairly easy for us, and gave us some time to start learning how to play as a team. the end of saturday held some disappointment for us though, as we lost our 1-8 crossover game, and forfeited our seed. what was most disappointing of all was that it was such a rough game for our team: we were never quite able to hit our stride, and it showed in the final score. following that disappointment, we were facing an uphill struggle on sunday to qualify for nationals.

sunday we came out strong, though, with a good first game in the morning. that was followed by a couple of disappointments, as our opportunities to cement our qualifying seat fell away in much the same way some of our discs just escaped our fingers, and all in spite of a radical improvement in our team play since saturday. in the end, it all came down to our last game of the weekend: a 6-7 seed rematch against a team we had previously beaten, to decide who would be the last team to qualify for nationals. we went in with a calm and determined mindset, many thanks to great coaching by our captain sophie, and proceeded to play probably our best game of the weekend. it was tight the whole game: both teams were trading points, with some great defense and a few spectacular scores on both sides. then, in the last minute of our game, we pulled ahead by one, to lead it 7-6... and we held them!!

the starter line waiting to pull (top to bottom): sophie, rachel, caroline, rosie and myself.

setting up for defense in our 6-7 decisive game.

sophie with just one of her many amazing saves in the final game.

jumping for a score!

rosie dominating the endzone, as she did all weekend.

sophie and yet another grab. :)

that score means we clinched it! nationals here we come!

the whole team! from l to r: (top row) me, caroline, freesia, jen, sophie, (bottom row) rachel, rosie and anna.

congratulations, ladies, on making it to nationals!!! i can't wait to play in december! :)

photo credits: hui en. thanks for taking so many awesome pictures and for cheering us on all weekend!!

b

it's fall in england...

some thoughts from lately...

fall is a time for renewal--for rebirth and realignment. the trees bid the world a colorful farewell, before settling down to wait for the warmth of spring to once again move their ancient blood into the furthest reach of their limbs.
life retreats back into itself.
the small creatures work hard to ensure their survival over the months ahead, gathering food and warm bits of bedding around them. the bigger creatures return to safe places, where in previous years they have found the shelter they needed from winter's coming onslaught. the ground is carpeted with leaves that gradually fade; their vibrant colors shifting to browns, and then to nothing as the drip of rain and pressure of passing lives reduces them to fodder for the tiniest of the tiny.

fall is a time for slowing down, for returning to the earth and being reminded of our fragility. every time the wind snatches away our breath, or the rain stings our face, it is reminding us to be humble. our lives, however grand they may seem under the broad sunny skies of summer, must return now to the ground. we put away our yellows and pinks, and bring out our greens and blues and browns again. we clothe ourselves in the rich tones of the season, and in doing so recognize our place. we come from the earth--its depths, its mysteries--and belong to it; fall reminds us of this. just as the other creatures return to their nests, to the comforts and safety of home, so must we.

---------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------

i always love fall. it's my favourite time of year for a lot of reasons. as a kid it always signaled the dreaded return to school (which i was always excited about), the return of the rain (which i still love), and the end of the endless summer days (which start to feel too long anyway). fall is a time for the heart to come home, i think; for it to settle down and shake off the dust accumulated from the chaos that can overwhelm summers. it's a time for returning to routine, for finding home again. for rediscovering the simple joys of crisp mornings, damp afternoons, and chilly nights spent warm indoors.

it is really strange to be so far away at a time that reminds me so much of home. most days as i head out on my 20 minute walk over the hill to class, i am able to lose myself in the glories of cold air and shocking color. nothing will make you forget your woes like nature's last show of the season... other days though, i am overwhelmed by an aching nostalgia for fall at home. i find myself longing for the smell of fresh-baked cookies, and the familiar ring of my friends' laughter. i miss the welcoming sight of peace flags flying over doorways, or of familiar faces and arms welcoming me indoors, out of the cold and rain and into the warmth of a loving embrace.

---------------------------------------------------

for the past few years, falls have been learning times for me. not of the academic variety, although that coincides. instead, fall has been for learning about the heart. falls have repeatedly been when my world has been turned on its head, and i have been left trying to piece things back together again. that sounds like a bad thing, but it really isn't. without those moments where everything you thought you knew comes crashing down, it is easy to become complacent.

this year, fall has been teaching me yet again:
--it is reminding me that i need to be able to find joy in my day to day. when i lose track of the simple pleasures of the wind on my face, or the rhythm of my steps when i go for a run, or of reading the last page a book, or drinking a cup of coffee with a friend, i lose track of where i am. i get caught up in the goings-on thousands of miles away, and i waste the time i have been given here.
--it is teaching me that it is okay to be melancholy. it's okay that i miss home and people, and that i think about it/them often. some nights, i just crawl into bed early because i feel so lonely that i can't make the effort to distract myself an longer. sometimes i think you need to just settle in with that sadness--let it take hold, and take you along for the ride.
--it is teaching me that love is not deterred by distance, or damaged, but instead strengthened. and that is a wondrous thing.
--and, once again, fall is teaching me about the meaning of home.

i don't know what to call home anymore. the other day i made a list of all the things i think home is and isn't, in my journal. it was pages long, and included things like "home is something you can lose, but you can also find it again," and "you can carry home with you just as easily (or not) that you can leave it behind."

my favourite thing i wrote down was "home is a condition of the heart, fueled and elaborated by the mind, cemented by the body."

i feel like i may have struck some truth, at least for myself, in that last one. missing home for me is a persistent thing because one of those three elements is missing. my heart certainly knows its home... it wouldn't ache so much right now if it didn't. my mind knows home, because i know what it is that i miss about it. but my body is not in contact with home; instead it is 5000 miles away from it.
i'm not sure that i can feel truly at home without the physical experience of being at home. without the sounds and smells and touches that make home real to me, i really feel that distance. when ansley was here recently, it was the first time i had that settled feeling that comes from being at home, since i've been here. hearing her voice, sharing her hugs and her laughter brought home back to me. it erased those 5000 miles, and for just a few days, i forgot that i was missing something. because i wasn't.

but, the day-to-day truth is that i am thousands of miles, and eight hours away, from that physical experience of home. and so the melancholy persists.


fall is bittersweet this year.

b

on the rainbow five

the rainbow five bus is a uni student's best friend. cheap and easy transport to and from nottingham, always an interesting platform for people watching.
and sometimes you are surprised by what you see...

____________________________________________

chador on the rainbow five

i was startled to see
at the savoy cinema stop,
a man followed by a woman
in a black chador.

she didn't speak to the driver:
the man bought her ticket for her,
and i saw it in her eyes as she passed me--
it was fear.

not the fear of a woman oppressed.
no, not at all.
she pleaded with the world instead:
"don't judge me."

_____________________________________________

b

we found nessie!!!

(this post is a stolen idea from ansley... and contains stolen pictures from ansley... thanks ans! :) i just had to share our weekend with everyone!)


this past weekend i embarked on an entirely new quest... nessie hunting. granted, most people who go nessie hunting have a lot of scientific equipment, knowledge about previous sightings, and some sophisticated plan of attack. ansley and i decided that instead of all of that, we would woo her with our white bread, nutella, and assurances that we knew she was misunderstood (who says she's a monster anyway?). here follows a pictoral account of our adventures.


gooooooood morning! nothing starts off a day of "creature" hunting better than a yummy coffee with a wonderful friend. :)

our fuel of choice for our day of nessie searching. yummy for the tummy, and with protien! what can i say... my eating habits have definitely improved since arriving here. mmm white bread.

welcome to the home of nessie! (you say it "drum-nuh-drock-it") drive carefully, there be creatures about!

pausing for a moment to lighten our load at our adorable, nessie-themed hostel before beginning our search in earnest. apparently she does dishes here occasionally (or so claimed the sign in the kitchen). that must happen when she's not busy eluding the grasp of ardent monster hunters. or maybe that's how she does it...

waiting for our nessie boat to arrive, we paused at the fiddler cafe on the one (and only?) street in drumnadrochit for some delicious refreshments. only to find on their wall...

ooohhhh nnnoooooo!!! who cut off nessie's head? WHO?
slightly deflated (though you wouldn't guess it by my goofy tourist grin), but still determined, we soldier on. to the boat!

our nessie hunting vehicle of choice, with complementary adorable scottish guide--gordon. oh, and this little dock is gordon's front yard. i should have claimed to be a long-lost relative, so i could live here someday too.

we're excited to see nessie!

until we do though, we enjoy an amazing sunset over the loch. this nessie hunting business is hard work, let me tell you.

"wait! what's that?!??"
hang on, i know what you're thinking: "it's a wave. duh, beth." well that's what you think...

IT'S NESSIE!!!! it was hard to persuade her to let us document this momentus occasion, but promises of nutella-flavored compensation convinced her. i knew she was smart, this nessie creature.

it's okay nessie! we know you're not a monster!

gordon couldn't believe that first-timers would be the first (and only) ones to find nessie on his boat! he was so proud, that he agreed to this "happy hunters" picture. nessie snuggled in too.

nessie search successful, and cuddly creature returned safely to her home, we paused a moment to watch the sun fade over the hills and loch.

the end. :)

b

lenses (or, why i didn't take pictures in scotland)

lenses

i can't take pictures of this place.
not because my batteries are dead, even though they are;
not because i ran out of space (that would be a lie);
but because that sort of lens makes
this place look small,
when it is anything but that.

lenses make it look tame--
even mundane--
like so many wonders in this world
that are reduced
to mass-produced,
photos on walls, in living rooms.

have you even seen that place?

what weakness, what
human folly...
to diminish such ----scapes:
we scale them to suit our tiny minds,
and claim to have
captured their grace.

don't you know that such a feat cannot, and never should, be achieved?

i can't bring myself to do it.
so,
i don't take pictures:
i look without lenses,
i see the place,
and write this to share instead.

b