settling

it hit me today, as i walked my way over to beeston to have coffee with a friend, that something has changed radically in the last few days for me. it felt like, for the first time since i've been here, that i was walking on a familiar path. i don't know when it happened, but i seem to have decided to settle here. my room is slowly aquiring its usual degree of organized disarray, i have my little schedules and routes that i follow, i'm employing the full range of my procrastination skills, and i'm looking forward to my last couple of months here with more excitement than trepidation (finally).


how does that happen? when do you start feeling a connection to a place? when do you decide to make it your own?


maybe it's because i have spent so much time on my own over the past few days--just getting things done. i've run my errands, done a little bit of homework, gone to class, gone to practice, worked on travel plans; usually on my own, and not feeling lonely, but empowered. like i'm finally back in the drivers seat of my life; confident enough to navigate my way around nottingham, and around campus, and feeling a bit less like i'm in a foreign place.

a big part of it, i think, was my trip to scotland. for the first time, i found a place on this island that really spoke to me... wandering on those rugged, achingly pretty hills in holyrood park made my heart feel so much more at home.
another part is the fact that i've found a little niche for myself here, on the ultimate team. i've made some friends, i'm learning a ton, and i can feel myself improving every time that i go to practice which is so encouraging. plus it's fun! :)
some of it must be that the reality of all of the cool things i have been doing is slowly sinking in, as i share them with other people. trading raptures over the places we've been with robin today, and being able to recommend places for her to go and things for her to do when she gets to place i've already explored, made what had previously seemed surreal suddenly become more concrete.

the biggest part of it, though, is that in the past week or so, things have fallen into place for my long christmas break. now, instead of looming like an enormous question mark over my head, it is beckoning--promising more amazing sights, opportunities, and experiences to come. more travel with my friend katie, meeting up with daniel in austria for christmas, and then travelling with erik in the warmer southern regions in january. the chance to really sample the flavor of so many amazing places is just so exciting. and even more amazing is the opportunity to share it all with people that i care for so deeply. i was worried for a long time that break would be really hard for me, especially since it looked like i would be spending a great deal of it alone. i knew i would get through it either way, but when i learned that instead of being lonely i would be in the company of great friends, it became all the more amazing.

all of this, along with the overwhelming flood of love and support (and mail!) i have recieved from everyone at home over the last few weeks, seems to finally be freeing me up to enjoy myself here. this must seem like a total 180 from my recent post on homesickness (and it kind-of is), but it happened just that suddenly. it is an amazing feeling to have such a weight lifted from my shoulders. and to finally be feeling free to be 100% present to my life here, without constantly worrying that i'm losing touch with home by doing so. in fact, i feel like i'm growing even closer to home, as i've been learning so much about how to communicate and share across such distances.


in closing, i want to thank you all for being loving, patient, and oh-so supportive of me. thank you for insisting that i go and have an amazing time here, and being excited for me to have this chance.
please know that even though i may be an ocean or more away, i am always here for you if you need me. never hesitate to write or email or call or skype if you have something on your heart and need to work through your thoughts, or just get it out. i know how important it is to do that! never feel like you're burdening me, because that simply isn't true.

and know also that i carry you all with me everywhere i go. closeness is not something that can be measured in miles, as i am constantly reminded of here.

yours,
b