it's fall in england...

some thoughts from lately...

fall is a time for renewal--for rebirth and realignment. the trees bid the world a colorful farewell, before settling down to wait for the warmth of spring to once again move their ancient blood into the furthest reach of their limbs.
life retreats back into itself.
the small creatures work hard to ensure their survival over the months ahead, gathering food and warm bits of bedding around them. the bigger creatures return to safe places, where in previous years they have found the shelter they needed from winter's coming onslaught. the ground is carpeted with leaves that gradually fade; their vibrant colors shifting to browns, and then to nothing as the drip of rain and pressure of passing lives reduces them to fodder for the tiniest of the tiny.

fall is a time for slowing down, for returning to the earth and being reminded of our fragility. every time the wind snatches away our breath, or the rain stings our face, it is reminding us to be humble. our lives, however grand they may seem under the broad sunny skies of summer, must return now to the ground. we put away our yellows and pinks, and bring out our greens and blues and browns again. we clothe ourselves in the rich tones of the season, and in doing so recognize our place. we come from the earth--its depths, its mysteries--and belong to it; fall reminds us of this. just as the other creatures return to their nests, to the comforts and safety of home, so must we.

---------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------

i always love fall. it's my favourite time of year for a lot of reasons. as a kid it always signaled the dreaded return to school (which i was always excited about), the return of the rain (which i still love), and the end of the endless summer days (which start to feel too long anyway). fall is a time for the heart to come home, i think; for it to settle down and shake off the dust accumulated from the chaos that can overwhelm summers. it's a time for returning to routine, for finding home again. for rediscovering the simple joys of crisp mornings, damp afternoons, and chilly nights spent warm indoors.

it is really strange to be so far away at a time that reminds me so much of home. most days as i head out on my 20 minute walk over the hill to class, i am able to lose myself in the glories of cold air and shocking color. nothing will make you forget your woes like nature's last show of the season... other days though, i am overwhelmed by an aching nostalgia for fall at home. i find myself longing for the smell of fresh-baked cookies, and the familiar ring of my friends' laughter. i miss the welcoming sight of peace flags flying over doorways, or of familiar faces and arms welcoming me indoors, out of the cold and rain and into the warmth of a loving embrace.

---------------------------------------------------

for the past few years, falls have been learning times for me. not of the academic variety, although that coincides. instead, fall has been for learning about the heart. falls have repeatedly been when my world has been turned on its head, and i have been left trying to piece things back together again. that sounds like a bad thing, but it really isn't. without those moments where everything you thought you knew comes crashing down, it is easy to become complacent.

this year, fall has been teaching me yet again:
--it is reminding me that i need to be able to find joy in my day to day. when i lose track of the simple pleasures of the wind on my face, or the rhythm of my steps when i go for a run, or of reading the last page a book, or drinking a cup of coffee with a friend, i lose track of where i am. i get caught up in the goings-on thousands of miles away, and i waste the time i have been given here.
--it is teaching me that it is okay to be melancholy. it's okay that i miss home and people, and that i think about it/them often. some nights, i just crawl into bed early because i feel so lonely that i can't make the effort to distract myself an longer. sometimes i think you need to just settle in with that sadness--let it take hold, and take you along for the ride.
--it is teaching me that love is not deterred by distance, or damaged, but instead strengthened. and that is a wondrous thing.
--and, once again, fall is teaching me about the meaning of home.

i don't know what to call home anymore. the other day i made a list of all the things i think home is and isn't, in my journal. it was pages long, and included things like "home is something you can lose, but you can also find it again," and "you can carry home with you just as easily (or not) that you can leave it behind."

my favourite thing i wrote down was "home is a condition of the heart, fueled and elaborated by the mind, cemented by the body."

i feel like i may have struck some truth, at least for myself, in that last one. missing home for me is a persistent thing because one of those three elements is missing. my heart certainly knows its home... it wouldn't ache so much right now if it didn't. my mind knows home, because i know what it is that i miss about it. but my body is not in contact with home; instead it is 5000 miles away from it.
i'm not sure that i can feel truly at home without the physical experience of being at home. without the sounds and smells and touches that make home real to me, i really feel that distance. when ansley was here recently, it was the first time i had that settled feeling that comes from being at home, since i've been here. hearing her voice, sharing her hugs and her laughter brought home back to me. it erased those 5000 miles, and for just a few days, i forgot that i was missing something. because i wasn't.

but, the day-to-day truth is that i am thousands of miles, and eight hours away, from that physical experience of home. and so the melancholy persists.


fall is bittersweet this year.

b

on the rainbow five

the rainbow five bus is a uni student's best friend. cheap and easy transport to and from nottingham, always an interesting platform for people watching.
and sometimes you are surprised by what you see...

____________________________________________

chador on the rainbow five

i was startled to see
at the savoy cinema stop,
a man followed by a woman
in a black chador.

she didn't speak to the driver:
the man bought her ticket for her,
and i saw it in her eyes as she passed me--
it was fear.

not the fear of a woman oppressed.
no, not at all.
she pleaded with the world instead:
"don't judge me."

_____________________________________________

b

we found nessie!!!

(this post is a stolen idea from ansley... and contains stolen pictures from ansley... thanks ans! :) i just had to share our weekend with everyone!)


this past weekend i embarked on an entirely new quest... nessie hunting. granted, most people who go nessie hunting have a lot of scientific equipment, knowledge about previous sightings, and some sophisticated plan of attack. ansley and i decided that instead of all of that, we would woo her with our white bread, nutella, and assurances that we knew she was misunderstood (who says she's a monster anyway?). here follows a pictoral account of our adventures.


gooooooood morning! nothing starts off a day of "creature" hunting better than a yummy coffee with a wonderful friend. :)

our fuel of choice for our day of nessie searching. yummy for the tummy, and with protien! what can i say... my eating habits have definitely improved since arriving here. mmm white bread.

welcome to the home of nessie! (you say it "drum-nuh-drock-it") drive carefully, there be creatures about!

pausing for a moment to lighten our load at our adorable, nessie-themed hostel before beginning our search in earnest. apparently she does dishes here occasionally (or so claimed the sign in the kitchen). that must happen when she's not busy eluding the grasp of ardent monster hunters. or maybe that's how she does it...

waiting for our nessie boat to arrive, we paused at the fiddler cafe on the one (and only?) street in drumnadrochit for some delicious refreshments. only to find on their wall...

ooohhhh nnnoooooo!!! who cut off nessie's head? WHO?
slightly deflated (though you wouldn't guess it by my goofy tourist grin), but still determined, we soldier on. to the boat!

our nessie hunting vehicle of choice, with complementary adorable scottish guide--gordon. oh, and this little dock is gordon's front yard. i should have claimed to be a long-lost relative, so i could live here someday too.

we're excited to see nessie!

until we do though, we enjoy an amazing sunset over the loch. this nessie hunting business is hard work, let me tell you.

"wait! what's that?!??"
hang on, i know what you're thinking: "it's a wave. duh, beth." well that's what you think...

IT'S NESSIE!!!! it was hard to persuade her to let us document this momentus occasion, but promises of nutella-flavored compensation convinced her. i knew she was smart, this nessie creature.

it's okay nessie! we know you're not a monster!

gordon couldn't believe that first-timers would be the first (and only) ones to find nessie on his boat! he was so proud, that he agreed to this "happy hunters" picture. nessie snuggled in too.

nessie search successful, and cuddly creature returned safely to her home, we paused a moment to watch the sun fade over the hills and loch.

the end. :)

b

lenses (or, why i didn't take pictures in scotland)

lenses

i can't take pictures of this place.
not because my batteries are dead, even though they are;
not because i ran out of space (that would be a lie);
but because that sort of lens makes
this place look small,
when it is anything but that.

lenses make it look tame--
even mundane--
like so many wonders in this world
that are reduced
to mass-produced,
photos on walls, in living rooms.

have you even seen that place?

what weakness, what
human folly...
to diminish such ----scapes:
we scale them to suit our tiny minds,
and claim to have
captured their grace.

don't you know that such a feat cannot, and never should, be achieved?

i can't bring myself to do it.
so,
i don't take pictures:
i look without lenses,
i see the place,
and write this to share instead.

b

random observations

1. foods with weird names tend to turn out better than they sound. examples: (a) "cullen skink" sounds gross, yes? actually a delicious fish stew. (b) "bangers and mash" whaaaaa? really good sausages and mashed potatoes with delicious oniony gravy. yum. (c) "mushy peas" really just like splitpea soup, in spite of the unfortunate use of the word "mushy".
2. the downs is dark enough at night to see the stars.
3. i extrapolate about people's personalities based on the color of scarf they are wearing.
4. i have a scarf fetish and have bought far too many of them here.
5. i'm finding myself picking up little bits (case in point) of the english language here. "bits" is a big one. i also find myself wanting to say "cheers" instead of "thanks," and then feeling awkward knowing that it comes out sounding weird with my accent. it slips out on occasion though. :)
6. ANYTHING... and i mean ANYTHING tastes good after frisbee practice.
7. brits don't put parmesan on their pasta... they put ketchup on it. ??? weird...
8. ugg boots and mini skirts has got to be the ugliest clothing combination known to man. and the most popular, apparently.
9. old english couples are especially adorable for some reason. i love seeing them walking slowly along, arm in arm.
10. the men here spend far, far more time on their hair than i do. that may be (and probably is) true just about everywhere, but here it's painfully obvious. they have salons that advertise as "men's hair stylists," for goodness' sake.
11. i end up being the quiet one in the group all the time. it's okay though--i like the observer role. and then, eventually, someone will talk to me, and it's usually a good conversation.
12. people on campus are infernally rude when walking on sidewalks. my thoughts as i risk my neck on the way to class: "you really can't move over a few inches so i can walk by without having to step off into the road? really??"
13. there are many various products here that use "bio" in their name and i have no idea what it means. it's on laundry detergent and yogurt. i just don't know what to make of that.
14. sainsbury's basics: a loaf of bread for 30p? a box of cereal for 1 pound 50? amazing! we need this in the states...
15. guys here hold doors open for me. this is also one of the few times they make honest eye contact with me. i hope my smile makes their day go better, the way their courtesy made mine.
16. still no hippie sightings. the closest i got was a weird drink i bought in london, titled "hippie". it was actually rhubarb juice. interesting association...
17. it is really easy to BS your way through a seminar here by asking intelligent questions. not that i ever do that, of course.
18. when i was figuring out how much money to bring here, i failed to budget for the inordinate amount of kleenex i have bought since arriving.
19. the cheapest, bottom-of-the-barrel, supermarket-brand chocolate here is ten times better than the sad, sad stuff we have at home.
20. the british definition of flavor when it comes to food: there are 2 options. option 1: bland. option 2: knock-your-tongue-out spicy.
21. my favorite part of my day is walking around campus. it's brisk and cold and (so far) clear, and the fall colors are gorgeous right now.
22. buying medicine in a different country is a interesting, slightly terrifying endeavor.
23. i constantly crave fresh fruits and vegetables.
24. they use spray deodorant here. ick. i'm sticking with my stick.
25. if you somehow during a conversation let out that you're an Obama supporter, you get all kinds of pats on the back. i wonder what they do if you say you're supporting McCain...
26. everyone here knows all of the same songs, word for word. when i was at the club for the frisbee party this weekend, the funniest part was watching drunk british guys sing along to cheesy, cheesy pop songs by female artists... at the top of their lungs.
27. i have moved up a tier in my coffee drinking since being here: from latte to espresso con panna. so delicious, and STRONG. last time i went to caffe nero and asked for one, the guy raised his eyebrows, smiled, and then proceeded to give me three punches on my loyalty card. i didn't know it was that impressive. ha!
28. skype is amazing.
29. so are two pound coins.
30. and chocolate covered digestives.

b

settling

it hit me today, as i walked my way over to beeston to have coffee with a friend, that something has changed radically in the last few days for me. it felt like, for the first time since i've been here, that i was walking on a familiar path. i don't know when it happened, but i seem to have decided to settle here. my room is slowly aquiring its usual degree of organized disarray, i have my little schedules and routes that i follow, i'm employing the full range of my procrastination skills, and i'm looking forward to my last couple of months here with more excitement than trepidation (finally).


how does that happen? when do you start feeling a connection to a place? when do you decide to make it your own?


maybe it's because i have spent so much time on my own over the past few days--just getting things done. i've run my errands, done a little bit of homework, gone to class, gone to practice, worked on travel plans; usually on my own, and not feeling lonely, but empowered. like i'm finally back in the drivers seat of my life; confident enough to navigate my way around nottingham, and around campus, and feeling a bit less like i'm in a foreign place.

a big part of it, i think, was my trip to scotland. for the first time, i found a place on this island that really spoke to me... wandering on those rugged, achingly pretty hills in holyrood park made my heart feel so much more at home.
another part is the fact that i've found a little niche for myself here, on the ultimate team. i've made some friends, i'm learning a ton, and i can feel myself improving every time that i go to practice which is so encouraging. plus it's fun! :)
some of it must be that the reality of all of the cool things i have been doing is slowly sinking in, as i share them with other people. trading raptures over the places we've been with robin today, and being able to recommend places for her to go and things for her to do when she gets to place i've already explored, made what had previously seemed surreal suddenly become more concrete.

the biggest part of it, though, is that in the past week or so, things have fallen into place for my long christmas break. now, instead of looming like an enormous question mark over my head, it is beckoning--promising more amazing sights, opportunities, and experiences to come. more travel with my friend katie, meeting up with daniel in austria for christmas, and then travelling with erik in the warmer southern regions in january. the chance to really sample the flavor of so many amazing places is just so exciting. and even more amazing is the opportunity to share it all with people that i care for so deeply. i was worried for a long time that break would be really hard for me, especially since it looked like i would be spending a great deal of it alone. i knew i would get through it either way, but when i learned that instead of being lonely i would be in the company of great friends, it became all the more amazing.

all of this, along with the overwhelming flood of love and support (and mail!) i have recieved from everyone at home over the last few weeks, seems to finally be freeing me up to enjoy myself here. this must seem like a total 180 from my recent post on homesickness (and it kind-of is), but it happened just that suddenly. it is an amazing feeling to have such a weight lifted from my shoulders. and to finally be feeling free to be 100% present to my life here, without constantly worrying that i'm losing touch with home by doing so. in fact, i feel like i'm growing even closer to home, as i've been learning so much about how to communicate and share across such distances.


in closing, i want to thank you all for being loving, patient, and oh-so supportive of me. thank you for insisting that i go and have an amazing time here, and being excited for me to have this chance.
please know that even though i may be an ocean or more away, i am always here for you if you need me. never hesitate to write or email or call or skype if you have something on your heart and need to work through your thoughts, or just get it out. i know how important it is to do that! never feel like you're burdening me, because that simply isn't true.

and know also that i carry you all with me everywhere i go. closeness is not something that can be measured in miles, as i am constantly reminded of here.

yours,
b

some places speak for themselves

i went to edinburgh... and it was beautiful.

welcome

the royal mile

st. margaret's chapel, edinburgh castle

half moon battery, edinburgh castle

gorgeous fall colors

the scottish monument, prince street gardens

my thirsty friend, prince street gardens

scottish pride is everywhere... even in their graffiti

the birthplace of harry potter

greyfriars churchyard

gravestones, greyfriars churchyard

texture, greyfriars churchyard

near the houses of parliment and arthur's seat

arthur's seat, holyrood park

so beautiful

salisbury crags, holyrood park

holyrood park

salisbury crags and edinburgh beyond (photo credit: katie williams)

view from the top of arthur's seat (photo credit: katie williams)

we made it to the top! it was windy. (photo credit: katie williams)

summit of arthur's seat, and graffiti

a great place for contemplation

i'll be back

b